Blowcorp: Sought to entertain millions of New Yorkers by exploding babies on city street corners.
New Yorkers to Blowcorp: “Quit blowing up babies!”
Hell From Above: For a five thousand dollar installation fee, they will install flamethrowers on the ceiling and upper walls of any home. The stated purpose? “Torch your children to better discipline, and ultimately a better college.” Gross number of orders: zero.
America: “We will not set our children on fire!”
Hell From Above: “Damn!”
Infanticiducation: Pre-pre-school education group teaches proper behavior to groups of babies by publicly killing babies which engage in improper behavior. Naughty student babies get their faces rubbed in dead babies “so they’ll learn.” No enrollments.
World: “Sweet Jesus!”
OilKids: Sends oil-smothered children through nurseries to smother other children with oil.
Parents’ thumbs: “Down!”
Wendy’s: Breaks into homes, kills babies and replaces them with robotic babies. Parents only find out when robotic babies do not age with time. Public enraged, confused, especially because Wendy’s does not profit from their baby-killing actions.
Babies: “Don’t kill us!”
Babies: Kill selves for $10 a pop, hoping that publicity will lead to movie roles in later lives. Parents spank them. Babies dead.