Stanford Chaparral

Chapter 6

And the LAMB opened the first seal and a white beast of Pestilence emerged bearing a rider with a bow; and then the LAMB opened the second seal and a red beast of War emerged bearing a rider with a glowing sword; and the LAMB opened the third seal and a black horse of Famine emerged bearing a rider with scales; and the LAMB opened the fourth seal and a pale beast of Death emerged bearing a rider with death. And lo, when the LAMB opened the fifth seal the court of the LORD saw that no beast emerged.

And the LAMB called into the darkness of the seal and said "Where goeth the glorious FIFTH HORSEMAN?"

And a small voice came out of the darkness and said "I'm sorry, LAMB, but I am small and unfit to scorch the earth with the other horsemen. Please, go without me. I'll just stay here where I won't be a nuisance to anyone."

And the LAMB said unto the FIFTH HORSEMAN: "No, all the other horsemen want you to join them in their crusade to bathe the earth in the blood of the unholy."

And the FIFTH HORSEMAN said, "No, they don't. They sayeth that only to be nice. They know that I am small and weak and unable to smite the sinner. And my brimstone is old and obsolete and all the other horsemen have that new fancy brimstone."

And the LAMB said to the FIFTH HORSEMAN: "Your brimstone is perfectly stony and brim. And all the angels in heaven know that you are a glorious horseman who is more than able to wreak destruction unto the Sodomites of God's kingdom. Please come join your brethren in avenging blasphemous deed everywhere."

And the LAMB said unto him, "We REALLY want you to come. REALLY."

And the LORD boomed down from atop his kingly throne and said "YES. WE SWEARETH."

And a glorious grayish beast emerged bearing a rider armed with PASSIVE AGGRESSION.

Chapter 7

Behold the FIVE HORSEMEN rode out to flame the earth.

And the LAMB said to the LORD, "I always feeleth uncomfortable when that guy is around. It's like I'm always walking on eggshells with him."

And the LORD replied, "Yes, LAMB, I feel like I never doeth the right thing with him."

Chapter 8

And the FIFTH HORSEMAN rode into a small village. And he assembled in the square all of the people of the town and he called out in a small, meek, nasal voice and said unto them, "Why do you not fear my wrath, you who have sinned against the LORD?"

And the people, beholding the tall, gray stallion of the LORD, answered him and said, "But we DO fear you, o' glorious rider of the grayish horse."

And he replied unto them and said, "You lie, sinners! You don't really fear me. If you really feared me, you would be casting your jewels and your defamations of the LORD out into the streets, and you would be dressing in sackcloths and ashes. If you really feared me, the FIFTH HORSEMAN, that's what you would be doing."

And the people went out from him and cast away their jewels and their defamations and returned to the square clothed in sackcloths and ashes and said, "Are you happy now, grayish rider? Do you believe us that we fear you now?"

And the the FIFTH HORSEMAN whined back to them, "No, you just did that because I toldeth you to. You still don't fear me. You believe that I am a laughable horseman ushering in a laughable apocalypse." And the the FIFTH HORSEMAN OF PASSIVE AGRESSION turned around and buried his face in his grayish hands and said unto HIMSELF, "I am a terrible failure and the streets will never flood with the blood of sinners." And he looked over his shoulder and the people were watching.

And the people went into their homes and brought out their sharp knives and they said, "Look, FIFTH HORSEMAN, we fear you. REALLY. WE SWEAR." And they took their sharp knives and plunged them into their own sinner-breasts and the streets ran red with the blood of sinners and the FIFTH HORSEMAN OF PASSIVE AGRESSION was at ease.

Chapter 9

So the people of the Earth called out to the FIFTH HORSEMAN and said unto him, "Where are you? For we have not seen your grayish horse in a long time."

And the FIFTH HORSEMAN called back and said "I'm in here, watching television."

And they said unto him, "We are tired of sinning and want to repent so we can rejoice in the rapture of the LORD."

And the FIFTH HORSEMAN said unto them, "What? I did not heareth you. I am watching the television."

And the people, dressed in sackcloth and ashes, approached even closer and said unto the FIFTH HORSEMAN, "Please instruct us in the ways of the LAMB so we can have a place in the LORD's kingdom."

And the FIFTH HORSEMAN replied, "Please, I am trying to watch the television. I will talk to you later."

And the people wailed and said unto him, "Why don't you care about the suffering and repentance of sinners? We are trying to repent before the LORD."

And the FIFTH HORSEMAN said, "What? I am watching television."

And they said unto him, "You do not care about our problems; you watcheth only the television all day." And the people felt bad about themselves, for they could not please the FIFTH HORSEMAN OF PASSIVE AGRESSION.

Chapter 10

And the FIFTH HORSEMAN came unto the other FOUR HORSEMEN and said unto them, "Am I the only person around here who paves a path of destruction, scorching the earth and letting the blood of sinners run like a raging torrent?"

And they said unto him, "We're just taking a break for cigarettes. We'll help you in a minute. Relax."

And the FIFTH HORSEMAN called out in a bold voice and said "I am the only HORSEMAN who does anything around here." And he took their flaming cigarettes and made a crown of flaming cigarettes for himself, burning his forehead with their flame.

And the LAMB raised his arms to his sides imitating HIS OWN crucifixion. And the FOUR HORSEMEN laughed.