Stanford Chaparral

Recently, the Chaparral had the pleasure of sitting down with one of the insiders of a relatively unknown, but extremely important Hollywood industry. Baby wrangling, a cousin of animal wrangling, is a must for any project involving infants and/or toddlers. We caught up with Steve Stonerock and his current project, baby Philip, on the set of “My baby? Your baby!”

Steve on wrangling: “What’s ‘rule number one’ of baby wrangling? [throws up hands] I’m not going to give away all my secrets! I’ll start with this, though. Don’t be shy with the peanut butter. Their mothers will flip because [throws up hands again] ‘babies can’t digest peanut butter!’ Well they can’t talk either, and in this game, babies don’t get paid to digest, they get paid to talk.”

On potty training: “What’s a good age to PT? If I had my way, never. Once they can do their own bidet, honey, it’s over. Don’t let the door hit you on the ... [slaps own rear end]. You think Jodie Foster would be such a princess if she was still a Nell?”

On parents: “Don’t get me started on the mothers. Let me just say this, let me just say this. I never met a baby I couldn’t wrangle, and I never met a mother I wouldn’t strangle. You like that? You can use it, it’s not mine. What am I saying, of course it’s mine!”

On rumors: “Do I use tranquilizers? Have I used tranquilizers? I’m supposed to answer that? Show me one wrangler, ONE WRANGLER who hasn’t. The public wants big grins and shiny eyes, and that’s what they f–––ing get. Have I cut ‘ludes with glazed beets and fed it to a baby? That’s the wrong question. Does Steve Stonerock get results? Yes.

On attitude: “In this game, it’s all about attitude. Macaulay had it, Philip’s got it, and everybody wants it. You can teach cute, you can teach cuddly, hell, you can even teach manic, but baby, you can’t teach attitude.”

On success: “A lot of wranglers come into the business thinking they’re going to be working the Huggies, the Michelins, all the big boys right away. You’ve got to start in the sticks. I tell them, ‘start in the sticks, do some day care, do some Penney’s portrait work, do the Santa sittings that no one will touch.’ Do they listen? Of course not, everybody wants Gerber. Well news flash sweetie, Steve Stonerock’s got Gerber and you don’t.”