Andre the Giant
He’s really big and strong and stuff.
The Invisible Man
He’s invisible so like no one can stop him.
Small, but mean as shit; the kid’s got quite a leg.
The Sumerian god of flight; 180 hit points.
Little Baby Animal
Wuvs his way through defensive meathead’s hearts; eats them.
Peaceful pipe-smoking halfling; will do anything to extend the game and avoid hideous hobbit wife.
Exploitative multinational skull-crushing organization; free uniforms!
Good instincts, can create under pressure. Unreliable in the clutch.
Crafty offensive moves. Excellent stamina.
Slippery runner; love of the game doubtful, in it mostly for “precious.”
Solid blocker when “off the field” problems don’t interfere.
Touchingly sad voice.
Intensively competitive “Daisy” molester.
Likes whippits; a skinny trick play master.
“The Twenties kicked ass. Period.”
Runs into opposing huddles and whispers, “I’m really very sorry.”
Pro: The best at what he does. Con: Known to suffer a “burst heart” in big-game situations.
It is illegal to tackle a manatee.
Heartfelt lyrics move opponents to tears; blocks passes with father’s reputation.
Buries opponents up to neck, decapitates; also “barbecue boss.”
I listened to this guy before you pansies were even born.
“But homes you did not know / It was a can of dog food.”
His so-called “brief” running patterns prove to be lengthy and wrought with abstract mathematics.
High School Nerd
After years of living on the periphery of adolescent society, this kid shows the world he really has what it takes.
The Dow Jones
Psyched for victory thanks to a strong second-quarter growth.
His prolonged tales put to music draw the defensive line off-sides.
Fattest Spice Girl
An intimidating figure puts a lagging team into line.
Designer of Pyramid of Dhoser will be the architect of an unstoppable run-and-gun offense.
Possesses extreme saltiness and basic distaste for everything.
Trash-talking and sagging pants enrage the opposing secondary.
Great team leader, owns the team bus.
Kicks ass on bass, then the football.
Rushes so hard the masses arise.
Enlightened; no need to snap.
An obvious choice.
Engineered four winning Super Bowl offenses. Duh.
Most receiving of any NFL player ever. I can’t believe no one picked this guy!
Loves the game more than life. Dreams in black-and-white. Doesn’t get joke.
Can win one for the Gipper; trouble remembering plays.
With the plastic eyes, spray-paint the vegetables.
Anything with him is a hit!
Stated goal: organizing the most evil team ever.
Stiff-arm can even block justice.
Weak arm, incredible motivator. Bonus: designs quality uniforms.
Old Man Henshaw
Man, that guy was “evil.”