Stanford Chaparral

Fisherman: …so this devil’s tuggin me here, and he’s yankin me over there, and he’s bendin my rod. The boats rockin like a prom date’s pelvis. All of a sudden this sucker pops out, woooee, I mean this catfish looked like a Clydesdale. And, well hell, ain’t no point in moanin, but I’ll tell ya, that was the one that got away.

Cabbie: All dat blabbin about a fish? Yos, I can top dat stowry. So I’m drivin my usual route you know. Fares been decent fo the night. You know. And dis guy. Must a been bout dead. I mean he’s walkin without pickin his feet up, you know what I’m sayin? Shufflin. Anyways, he shuffles in front of my cab, and I’m like ‘Yo what IS DIS GUY?’ Next thing he comes shufflin right through the door and he’s got dis blade stickin in im. Thing looked like a sickle, samurai, machete or sometin. Dis thing was big okay. So I’m like ey pal, what does dis look like, a freakin hospital ambulance? But all he can do is kinda make dis face like he’s tryin to scream but nothins comin out. Finally he sez ‘Newark Airport’. Anyways, long stowry short, dat was the fare dat got away.

Aristocrat 1: Chap I do say. That is the least civilized anecdote ever uttered. Perhaps I can sooth our audience with my own charming little chestnut. Eh hem. I was walking through my acreage, hands nestled in the shelter of my greatcoat, when I caught my foot upon a peculiar imperfection in the landscape. Imagine! Ah ha ha ha. Well after composing myself, I leaned over to inspect what I dearly hoped was not an unsightly root, for I had grown quite fond of our grounds keeper Remings, and it would have saddened me greatly to have to banish him and his filthy offspring from my estate. At this juncture…, well, I can see you are all simply stewing with anticipation, so I will tell you: Remings is indeed still tending to my bee huts, and what I feared was an untamed rooting turned out to be the protrudings of the largest collection of 5th century silver I am yet to find buried on The Manor. Eh hem. That got away of course.

Aristocrat 2: I do not see why you find it necessary, Rutherford, that you must best any other chap’s recent account of newly discovered silver upon his property with that drab old tale. I do swear, that silver collection undergoes a miraculous transformation each time you call upon it. I would not be at the least surprised to discover that it began as a heap of Cromwellian copper.

Aristocrat 1: Ha ha, Cooke my dear fellow, well played. You know, I often wonder whether there are Cromwellian copper origins in your dear Mrs. Cooke as well.

Stranger: You’re a lucky man Mister Rutherford. But a story of good fortune will never beat a tale of grave woe. Mine happened in the winter of 82’. At this point, I still had some of the inheritance that my parents had left me. Bless their hearts. At least they were together when my fiancé came crashing through the windshield. Anyway, I and my brother, Danny, had just lost our jobs because the maggot factory got shut down, so we decided to go down to Fort Lauderdale for a few weeks. We were hoping to get a little sunshine, maybe even catch some Twins spring training. This was before Danny went to Laos and came back in a jar. Ahh, but I’m sure I’m boring you. It was a heck of a bad game for the Twins though. It really got away.

Salesman: Not exactly hair-raising, I’ll give ya that. Heard better yarns from a wet sweater, you know what I mean.

Stranger: It was the ninth inning, two outs, two strikes, Davis hits a line drive into the crowd that left me unable to produce the neurotransmitter serotonin.

Salesman: Stuff a sock in it fella, it’s my turn. So anyway, I’ve been on the road for three days with a trunk full of grammaphones. Haven’t sold a single unit when…

Protagonist: Hey, have you guys ever heard about the time I got stuck waiting for a train, and all of these crackpots started telling their crazy stories?


Fisherman: Well, give it to me skipper.

Aristocrat 1: Indeed chap, it could not possibly exceed the ruffian taxicabist’s in indecency.

Protagonist: [excited] Well it happened five years ago, I had just gotten done rescuing a girl who would later have sex with me…