New Undergraduate Student Information Project
Q: My resident is at FLiCKs and he is having a ridiculously crazy time. What should I do?
A: This is a serious situation for any RA. Immediately raise your right hand high above your head. Bend at the elbow. Then pat yourself on the back for doing a great job. Going absolutely crazy at FLiCKs is completely normal and even encouraged!
Q: One of my freshman screeches the dorm chant until 3AM, then he shreds 3 reams of paper and pours them on his roommate. He shot his head up with novocaine and carved ‘Branner Sucks’ into his scalp. Is there anything I should do?
A: Well this is serious. You should call Dean of Students Greg Boardman right away. Tell him that you might have the craziest, spunkiest, most Stanfordiest freshman on your hands. Way to go!
Q: One of my residents constantly brags about “getting totally blastered and doing crazy shit” in high school. Should I be worried?
A: Relax. This type of lying is completely common among incoming freshman. Just continue with your regular program and in no time this student will be having a great time doing real ‘crazy shit’: jumping in fountains, going on dorm trips to Chuck E Cheese and playing Friend Tag.
Q: One of my residents said that she really enjoyed playing Friend Tag with me. She wants to know if I want to go to dinner sometime, just as friends. Is that cool?
A: Great idea. You can use dorm funds to organize a house trip to a local restaurant. Buca di Beppo is always a tasty choice, and the huge family portions are sure to make for some crazy food fighting.
Q: Well I was actually thinking about just her and I.
A: That’s good too. We always encourage RA’s to help their residents when they are organizing dorm functions. The lounge is a good place for you two to work together. The cluster is good for making flyers. But don’t forget the most important rule you must follow as an RA: Have fun! This dinner sounds like its going to be crazy fun!
Q: I don’t think you understand. We really have a connection, and I wanted to get to know her outside of Chuck E Cheese. You know in a more intimate setting, one on one.
A: Ohhh. We see now. You would like maybe to give her a little kiss? Bounce her boobies? Dip your diddy? Get a Fundamental Standard violation on your cute little record? Just stick with Wack A Mole, Skye.
Q: I’ve noticed that the RF has installed hidden webcams in all of the rooms in our dorm. Should I do something?
A: Relax. This is a good thing. The RF knows all about child rearing, and he’s just trying to make sure everyone’s having good clean fun.
Q: Don’t you think that’s a little intrusive? Aren’t we all adults here?
A: Don’t ever speak back to us like that again. The RF knows all about you college kids. He has already raised three kids in quite possibly the worst child-rearing environment ever. He knows just how pregnant people get when he treats you all like ‘adults.’