Stanford Chaparral

In American football, the winners of the championship receive dazzling Super Bowl rings.

In Aussie Rules football, the winning team gets their picture taken with Kylie Minogue. The runners-up get Danni Minogue. As a slave.

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In American football, points are earned by touchdowns, field goals and safeties.

In Aussie rules football, points are earned by seducing American women through rustic accents and mastery of wild beasts.

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In American Football, the home teams wear dark colors and the away team white.

In Aussie Rules football, players are clad only in weathered khaki that looks all the creamier next to their December-bronzed skin.

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American Football teams are named things like, “Jets,” “Cowboys,” and “Bears.”

In Aussie Rules football, there exist the Sydney Wombats, the Melbourne Koalas and the Perth Platypuses. All teams are coached by Paul Hogan.

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In American football, players who act shamefully are typically suspended.

All Aussie Rules football fans are descended from criminals. Their lawless blood would boil at a player sitting out just for drunk driving.

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The singing of the Star-Spangled Banner is a revered tradition at American stadiums.

At all games, AC/DC is required to play a raunchy, schoolboyish version of Waltzing Matilda using only the E and A chords.

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In American football, the ball is advanced by running or passing.

In Aussie rules football the ball is advanced by boogie boarding.

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After games, American football players are contractually required to speak with the media, though the athletic culture of conformity often results in bland, platitude-ridden statements.

After games, Aussie football players are required to squat in the dirt with aborigines and put on that floury face paint, while naked women dance around, splayed breasts flailing like an epileptic hypnotist’s watch.