Stanford Chaparral

Dirty Harry [grizzled voice]: So I guess you’re asking yourself ‘do I feel lucky’? Well do you? Punk?

Deadbeat: You’re that dirty cop everyone’s talking about. Dirty Dave or something.

Dirty Harry: As far as you’re concerned, scum, I am judge, jury and executioner.

Deadbeat: Damn you are dirty. It looks like you just climbed out of a chimney.

Dirty Harry: Climbed out of your worst nightmare, shitheel. [Harry erupts in coughs. Clouds of soot emerge from his mouth].

Deadbeat: Whoa, are you alright man?

Dirty Harry: Stay where you are dirtbag [Harry pulls out a rag covered in bicycle grease and coughs into it.]

Deadbeat: I have a clean one if…

Dirty Harry: I said don’t move, slimeball.

[Wipes his eyes with rag]

Deadbeat: Oh stop. That’s disgusting.

Dirty Harry: You know what I think is disgusting? The fact that there are greasebuckets like you out on the streets. [Spits black]

Deadbeat: Seriously, you should do something about that. It’s not healthy.

. . .

[Walsh knocks on Harry’s apartment door]

Walsh: Harry, you in there?

[Dirty Harry’s apartment, dimly lit, venetian shades are drawn and crooked. A pile of old peanut butter jars begins to move as Harry awakens from beneath them. Bleary eyed, he wades through a sea of pizza boxes towards the bathroom. He trips over a completely empty trash can]

Walsh: Harry, I can hear you in there.

[Dirty Harry opens the door]

Walsh: Jesus, Harry. When was the last time you took out the garbage?

Dirty Harry: Why should I take out the garbage? The world is one big trash heap anyways, filled with scum. Murdering scum. Scum from an unwashed shower, what’s the difference?

Walsh: Harry, you’re wife died five years ago. It’s time to clean your apartment

Dirty Harry: My wife used to clean my apartment. I remember her clean, shampooed hair glistening in the sun. Every time I try and clean something, I’m reminded of her. Brushing my teeth, doing the laundry, washing the dishes. I can’t go back to that life.

Walsh: We need to get you a maid.

. . .

Captain: Alright boys, listen up! Some sleazeball is feeding all of our secrets to Boss Maloni! Maloni is always three steps ahead of us! We got a dirty cop in our midst, boys. DIRTY.

[Everybody looks at Dirty Harry]

Dirty Harry: What?