Stanford Chaparral

Donald Trump

I’ve never been very good at “Trump: The Board Game”. Roll the dice and you get a casino or whatever. Realistically, I have myself to blame. I just never took the proper time to understand that game.

One time, I played “Trump” against Marla, and she beat me one billion dollars to five thousand. It was so embarrassing. She started dancing around the room squawking, “Look at me, I’m Donald Trump!”Then she put her finger on her lip like she had a mustache, which was weird, because I don’t have a mustache.

There was an instruction manual that came with the game. I think the maid threw it out. I fired the maid, but did that bring back the “Trump: The Board Game” instruction manual? Did it? The answer is no.

Bill Gates

I mean, “Mama Said Knock You Out”? Are you kidding? Great song. My favorite is when he calls out the farmers. He’s all, “Farmers!” and they’re like, “What?”Then they do it over again. Classic stuff.

I even liked “Phenomenon”, which everybody else hated. I bought the single and listened to it ten straight times in my car. Turned it off before I got to the office, though--I knew I’d get a lot of flak for listening to LL. Jason, who works in marketing down the hall from me? He’d laugh his ass off. I can’t let that happen. I must command respect around here. This is getting ridiculous.

I also thought LL was good in “Deep Blue Sea.” Why did everybody hate that movie? Smart sharks? It’s like, “Hello, where do I sign?”

Scrooge McDuck

You know, if the bank were filled with gold coins, I’d get killed if I tried to dive onto them.That’s a 100-foot drop. Onto metal? There’s no give in a gold coin. It’d be curtains for good old Scrooge McDuck, all right.

A 100-foot dive for a 70-year-old duck is still fairly impressive, even if it is into water and not into millions of pieces of gold Duckburg currency. When my arthritis acts up, my stunt double performs the dive, but usually it’s me out there.

Don’t be disappointed. It’s all show business. Do you think Launchpad McQuack can really fly a plane? The man can’t even tie his shoes, or wouldn’t be able to if he had shoes. Hollywood’s a real bitch-goddess sometimes.

I once dove into a big vat of chocolate pudding when I was pledging Sigma Nu. I never got into the frat, though, because I got into a fight with one of the actives during a flag football game.