Stanford Chaparral

Ben and Jerry have rolled out at a new flavor, Millennium Milky Caramel Conundrum, and have launched a new store in Times Square just to hype the new ice cream. The United States Army has deployed heavy artillery against Ben and Jerry.

DAY ONE: Ben and Jerry have ordered all doors to be kept closed but unlocked during business hours. Employees are to be alert but friendly and approachable. The United States Army begins to shell them. US shock troops arrive at front lines.

DAY SEVEN: Shelling ceases. Ben and Jerry announce 89% casualty rate amongst employees. New York Chocolate Chunk most popular flavor of the week. Army Rangers storm Ben and Jerry’s outlets, set fire to ice cream supplies and imprison remaining employees.

DAY TWELVE: Despite new “all flavors free” promotion, all is quiet at Ben & Jerry’s stores. Customers refuse to enter because ice cream chain is at war with the United States. Current living employees number twelve; they disappear into the Rocky Mountains. Profits plummet. Shelling resumes.

DAY THIRTEEN: Ben tinkers with salt-to-sugar ratio in ice cream, US Army destroys all access routes to Ben and Jerry’s production centers. All five Ben & Jerry’s factories are annihilated in a Cruise Missile attack.

DAY FIFTEEN: Ben and Jerry’s ability to produce ice cream has been totally lost. Apache helicopters find Ben & Jerry’s employee camp. Camp is eradicated by rocket attack. Kill ratio is 100%. Ben and Jerry announce they are willing to bargain.

DAY SIXTEEN: US military bombs all supermarkets selling the ice cream. Distributors are given a cease-trade warning on any Ben & Jerry’s products. All US supermarkets chains pull Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream from shelves. Ben & Jerry’s corporate headquarters is saturation bombed. Firestorm lasts for sixteen hours.

DAY EIGHTEEN: Roving bands begin to burn enormous piles of Ben & Jerry’s employee corpses. The smell is unreal. US teenagers claim dismay at the loss of a delicious choice in ice cream, but admit display of military power has been impressive.

DAY TWENTY: Shelling ceases on all Ben & Jerry’s outlets when final store is reduced to smoldering crater. Ben and Jerry are unable to find contractor to build new outlets due to lack of funds and inability to produce a force capable of protecting construction crews against the attacking US Military.

DAY TWENTY-TWO: Ben and Jerry admit they are in no position to bargain. Shelling ceases. Unconditional surrender is announced. Treaty signed in New Hampshire. Mood is somber.