The Stanford Chaparral

Dolphin Pet!

Fri, Jun 6th 2008, 15:09 GMT

by Anthony Scodary, Josh Stark
06/09/2008 (2008)

NYC: RPG

Fri, Jun 6th 2008, 14:59 GMT

At the Plaza Hotel
Tourist: Hi, I’d like to check in.
Concierge: Welcome to our inn, brave adventurer. One night’s stay is one hundred dollars. Would you like to stay tonight or leave?
Tourist: I’m actually booked for the whole week already.
Concierge: Very good sir. Now if you’ll sign your name here (please restrict your name to a length between 6 and 12 characters).
Tourist: ...
Concierge: ...
Tourist: Robert Stev--
Concierge: ROBERT is a fine name for a hero. You shall find your bed on the second floor. It seems that the rest of your party has already arrived.

At Saks Fifth Avenue
Cashier: Would you like to buy or sell today?
Tourist: I’m actually just looking for fragrances.
Cashier: Would you like to buy or sell today?
Tourist: Eh...buy. To buy.
Cashier: We currently have potion, high potion, and elixir.
Tourist: Hmm, is Elixir by Estee Lauder?
Cashier: It was looted from a slain necromancer on the Long Island.

In the Subway Station
Tourist: Geez, these maps are always so confusing. It shouldn’t be so hard to get to Brooklyn.
Homeless Man: Weary traveller, did I overhear that you are organizing an expedition to Brooklyn?
Tourist: Yeah, I’m trying to figure out if I should take the G or the-
Homeless Man: Brooklyn used to be a peaceful place, but I am told that there have been many monsters in those parts recently. Many travelers such as yourself have ventured there, never to return.
Tourist: Look, sir, here’s two bucks.
Homeless Man: God bless you. I promise that this will pay off in an unexpected way in your future.

In Central Park
Policeman: Is there a problem, citizen?
Tourist: Yeah, officer, I just found some jewelry and a couple hundred dollars over there in the middle of that field. I felt it was enough money to warrant reporting it.
Policeman: Noble gesture, adventurer. Let me ask you: did you find it in a treasure chest?
Tourist: Actually, yes. It was in a wooden box. I have the box to turn in as well. I assume that means the owner has reported it?
Policeman: If you found it in a chest, then it is yours. It is also yours if you found it behind a tree or on the corpse of a vanquished enemy.
Tourist: I don’t think you understand. There was an engraved locket in there. I really don’t feel right keeping this.
Policeman: There are hundreds of those chests strewn about the region. The city takes great care filling and hiding them for the cleverest of treasure-seekers.
Tourist: So, there’s not like a lost-and-found or something?

In Times Square
Tourist: Wow, they’ve really cleaned this place up.
Grand High Mayor Bloomberg: Welcome to my kingdom, adventurer. You are correct that the probability of random encounters in this zone has been reduced drastically since the release of the last patch.
Tourist: No kidding. The last time I was in Times Square I got mugged.
Grand High Mayor Bloomberg: Ah yes, I often recall the days when I’d stroll through these parts armed with a jeweled platinum blade, ready to fend off a mob of thieves at a moment’s notice.
Tourist: Yeah, my brother used to carry a gun.

by Anthony Scodary
06/08/2008 (2008)

Moon Sports

Fri, Jun 6th 2008, 15:15 GMT

by Anthony Scodary
06/07/2008 (2008)

The Internet Explorer

Fri, Jun 6th 2008, 14:53 GMT

by Anthony Scodary
06/06/2008 (2008)

Some Curry Questions

Sat, Jul 21st 2007, 16:51 GMT

by Dave Lampson
05/12/2008 (1999)

Wilson Fabregast and His Intelligent Gentlemen's Club

Fri, Apr 25th 2008, 19:50 GMT

[Three men sit at a large table. One rises to speak.]

1: There has been much talk of late on the subject of Mr. Fabregast's absence, and what is to be done in the way of a replacement.

2: What you have said is undoubtedly the case. No rational man could argue otherwise and subsequently view himself in the mirror without a measure of disgust, a disgust commensurate with the amount of passion with which he had disagreed with your statement.

1: Indeed. You do me no disservice with your accurate portrayal of the truth of my description.

2: If that is all, Mr. 1, and assuming that no other objections are to be voiced, I hereby call this meeting to order. First order of business, anyone?

3: If I may be so bold, sir, I wish to voice the opinion that the first order of business should rightfully be the discussion of something that has just occurred to me.

2: In response, allow me to say that I am of the opinion that the passing whimsies of intelligent men should be regarded as the jewels and precious stones embedded in the very crown of God. Furthermore, I believe that Socrates would agree with this assessment.

3: Eloquently stated, sir. Socrates is a very wise man; it would be very difficult to claim that what you have said is not true.

1: Indeed. As keeper of the book of aphorisms, it is my duty now to obtain said book in order to record in writing the new aphorism that has been revealed today by our esteemed colleague Mr. 2, so that the whole of the world may bask in its brilliance and nod their heads vigorously at its truth.

2: By all means, this should be done without delay.

1: Entirely correct. With the approval of the chairman, I now intend to take leave of the committee in order to obtain the requisite tome, which even now finds itself ensconced in the very trunk of my car.

3: If I recall the events of our last meeting correctly, it is my understanding that the esteemed Mr. 1 has been charged with the responsibility of not leaving the book in his car anymore.

2: Correct, Mr. 3. We arrived at this decision last week in the hope that as little time as possible be wasted through the act of transporting the item in question.

1: I would like to interject at this point with the assurance that I plan to run as swiftly as possible.

2: As we have yet to hear from Mr. 3 in regards to his passing fancy--

3: It is more a whimsy, sir. Pardon my interruption.

2: At any rate, to avoid further disruption of the proceedings, the respected Mr. 1 is advised to simply record the new aphorism on his hand, from whence it may be transcribed into the book following the conclusion of tonight's discussion. That being said, I believe it would be appropriate now for Mr. 3 to reveal the nature of his whimsy, as it is agreed that this is the first order of business.

3: Thank you, Mr. Chairman. My whimsy is best expressed thusly. Ahem. It is an accepted fact that, among the three of us, there is not a one that does not enjoy the fine taste of candy. In each of our previous meetings candy has been absent, and it is my opinion that the reason for this continual absence can be traced to certain actions on the part of the distinguished Mr. Fabregast. If I may continue?

2: At your leisure.

3: During our first meeting, one may recall, Mr. 1 was taken to task by our absent colleague over the former's enjoyment of candy during the proceedings. That this had a profound effect on the esteemed Mr. 1 cannot be denied, as he was forced to leave the room. Approximately thirty minutes elapsed before Mr. 1 felt composed enough to return, at which point he was subjected to questioning at the hands of Mr. Fabregast. These queries revealed that Mr. 1 was no longer in possession of his candy.

1: I had placed the offending matter in a receptacle for garbage.

2: Indeed, as any of us would have. You may be seated. 3. To continue, since that disturbing occasion, no candy has been enjoyed by any one of us during our weekly meetings.

1: This cannot be denied. I await the conclusion of your exposition with much anticipation.

3: Yes. I put forth that we are frightened of Mr. Fabregast's loud scoldings, and this is the reason that we do not bring candy.

2: That, truly, is why I do not bring candy.

1: I have no desire to be yelled at again, that is certain.

3: It is now that I may state my most important point. With Mr. Fabregast in attendance, candy is an impossibility. This much we know to be true.

2: This much, yes.

3: Gentlemen, I contend that the absence of Mr. Fabregast entails the absence of restriction on our enjoyment of candy!

2: Let us now take a recess. We will reconvene here in 15 minutes, with candy.

All: Hear, Hear! [Much room-leaving is undertaken.]

by Chris Crane
05/02/2008 (1999)

Awkwords - A Collection of Coming-of-age Poetry for the Modern Teen

Fri, Apr 25th 2008, 20:03 GMT

Mom says I need a tutor
I think I just need love
How about it, Ryan Philippe?
School my mind and my body

. . .

was he waiting for me to im him?
or does he just not care?

or doesn’t he know that I need him
then why is he never there?
it seems like everyone has someone
but here I sit, all alone?
he knows that I need someone
and still I wait by the phone.
i’ll sing my song to the internet alone

. . .

Today I got my new orthodontia!
Sweet braces, how I want to flaunt ya!
Now I’ll finally be the prettiest girl in school!
It’s like my sticker says, “straight teeth are cool!”
*
The wax does nothing
I don’t want to live like this.

. . .

I thought that mix tape
Was ours
Yours and mine
But then you
Loaned it to Amber
Why?
Because
She let you
Go up her shirt.

by Allan Phillips
05/01/2008 (2004)

Where do babies come from?

Fri, Apr 25th 2008, 19:45 GMT

As answered by Mrs. McCutcheon’s fourth grade class
Washington Elementary, Pittsburg, PA

When two people fall in love, the storke comes and brings them a special delivery.
—Andrew McDaniel, age 8

A box.
—Allison Hemp, age 8

Desperation, technology, and cold hard cash.
—James Collins, age 8

The bottom of a bottle.
—Phillip Stewart, age 37

Sheer human vanity.
—Lao Ping, age 8

An advantageous coupling of two members of complementary gender and race.
—Hans Eichmann, age 9

I saw a picture of my little brother in my mommy. He looked like he came from the pond behind our house. I wonder why Mommy made genital jam with a frog.
—James Ericson, age 8

A sack.
—Amanda Lawrence, age 9

Papist tomfoolery.
—Maria Gratiaplena, age 8

Motherfucking romance.
—Susie Chen, age 7

Cuervo Nation.
—Bobby Williams, age 8

A sack in a box.
—Alex Jochs, age 8

by Annie Wyman
04/30/2008 (2006)

Dog Psychology

Fri, Apr 25th 2008, 19:56 GMT

PART I - A Conversation

[at the public library]
Jim: Hi, Dan. What are you doing here this early in the morning?

Dan: Oh, hi Jim. Just doing some reading. I'm getting interested in entomology.

Jim: That's the study of bugs, isn't it?

Dan: Yes, it is. It's quite fascinating.

Jim: I'm getting interested in dog psychology, myself.

Dan: You don't say! That's great. [pats Jim on the back] I had no idea.

Jim: Do you know what happens if you lock a dog in a cage, and ring a bell every time you bring him some food?

Dan: He will become hungry every time he hears a bell?

Jim: No, you will be arrested.

PART II - An Awkward Situation

[in a dark warehouse]

Tony: Where can we hide this body, Fat Louie

Fat Louie: It'll be light real soon. Better go to the river.

Tony: I forgots my keys!

Fat Louie: You fuck! I curse the day Boss made you my partner.

Tony: Come on, Louie, give me a chance. I gonna get this body to the river for us.

Jim: [falls through wormhole in space-time continuum] ... no, you will be arrested.

Fat Louie: [turns to Tony] I knew I couldn't trust you, rookie! [shoots Tony]

Jim: [confused]

by Chris Onstad
04/29/2008 (1995)

Girlfriend

Thu, Jan 3rd 2008, 22:36 GMT

Girlfriend, you broke my heart.
I took you out in my car,
and you decided to stop seeing me.
You killed the flower that is my love.
You hummie himmie swizzie swuv.

I'll tell you something, girlfriend.
The next time you call me
from your tel-e-phone,
and threaten me with other men,
I'm going to tell you what a pig you are.
And then I'm going to tell all my friends
about the weird things you let me try with you.
And I'm going to make shit up, too.

You are a very intriguing creature
The way you prance around with animal energy
Your smile has never looked so wild
I smell your womanhood a mile away
Turn your loveliness this way, you restless beauty
Explode the sun with your haunting love call
I don't care what the others say
I don't care if my girlfriend is not human.

who has seen a baby cry
who has seen a lion prance
who has seen a condor fly
understands romance
who has seen a fat man die
who has seen a sideways glance
who has seen a paper pie
dance along a metal turd.

by Chris Onstad, Eric Saxon
04/28/2008 (1995)